Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
