fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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