Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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