Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
