didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
