no, he came in my armpit
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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