I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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