I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize