im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
