totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I intend to get homeless drunk
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
