It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
