Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize