I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
