please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
