dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
