If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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