she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
