I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
