Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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