i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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