you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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