i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize