I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
