I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
