that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
