So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
