Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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