i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
