He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
