ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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