what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
