Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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