I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
