I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
