Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
