he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Mom said you looked used
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
