forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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