The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
