he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize