just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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