hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
