He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
