I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
