i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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