I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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