Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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