Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
