Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
