My Higher Power is John Stamos
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
