worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude. I can hear the air.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
