I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
