1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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