My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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