i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
