ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
