If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
