if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
