Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
