Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize