Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
