Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize