my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize